Wen Man Dey Mourn: How He Take Dey Cope With Miscarriage

Wen Man Dey Mourn: How He Take Dey Cope With Miscarriage

Shey na as miscarriage dey traumatic for woman, na so e be for man?

Miscarriage na one of d painful things wen woman fit pass tru for dis life. For woman, e dey crushing and painful. While everi body dey see as e be for woman wen lose her pikin, especially d emotional and physical torment wen she dey pass thru, make we no forget sey no be onli she lose pikin o. Anybody don eva think as e dey be for man wen lose him pikin? Anybody don ask how man dey cope with miscarriage?

How Man Dey Cope With Miscarriage

Wen Mark Zuckerberg tell pipu about d pain wen he go thru afta him wife get three miscarriage, pipu come dey shock about d way wen he take open up and him honesty. Wen he tell d public sey “Na loneli experience” and he struggle by himself come be eye opena. D pressure of Wetin we expect from different genda don make man learn how to push him emotion back. But for dis post wen dey honest, we go see sey grief dey behind dat I be strong man look wen dem dey always carri up and down.

One psychologist talk am sey, na men be d grievers wen dem don forget and na dem dey suffer in silence.  D women dey usuali get d attention as na dem get d medical crisis — d fact of d matta be sey na woman e dey happen to physicalli. Wen miscarriage happen like dat, women dey show dia emotion and dem dey share dia grief with friends and famili wen come give dem comfort. But we many wen dey forget sey na as miscarriage dey affect woman, na so e dey take affect man too — no be onli d person wen carri d belle.

How men dey survive wen dia wife get miscarriage?

Everi situation dey different.  Research don show sey d way wen men dey take process d truma of miscarriage dey different from women, and e different from d way wen oda men dey process am too. 

To show emotion sey dem  loss wetin dey dear to dem no just dey come man mind at all. Some men think sey if dem show any kine negative emotion, e go make dia wife feel bad all ova again.  Afta him wife get miscarriage, Hollywood Actor Alec Baldwin talk how d loss dey heartbreaking for am, but him wife na im be him main concern. “My wife na my major concern” he talk for one interview. Na so men like Alec dey try to suppress dia emotion make dem fit dey strong for dia famili. We expect sey na d work of man to support, encourage and comfort him wife. Even wen he dey broken, discouraged and dey inside serious pain. Sometimes, men go help dia wife cope with d pain sotey dem go forget dia own pain. Na wen dia wife wound don dey heal na im dem go start to feel d pain.

Men sef dey suffa from depression and anxiety but dem dey decide not to show sey dem dey grieve. Miscarriage dey make women blame demself and so d husband go feel d need to give him wife d support wen he think sey she need. Time no dey make he grieve out and grieve well. Study wen dem do for United Kingdom show sey d level wen men dey grieve dey less consuming and na for short time dem dey grieve. Na d same way wen women dey vulnerable wen dem dey despair and dey find am hard to cope, na so e be for men side sef. But d difference be sey man go lock him own keep for box and hide am for one corna until d emotion readi to burst.

Men sef dey seek support and comfort too. Wen friend and famili gada around d woman dey give her comfort, dey ask how she dey manage cope and all dat, dem no dey realise sey d husband sef dey in pain. Pipu dey forget sey man dey for inside dat partnaship, he dey dia dey hold him wife hand – meanwhile himself follow lose pikin.  D truth be sey, d man just no wan find attention, but he follow dey affected for d miscarriage wen happen. D bad part be sey, according to survey wen UK Mental Health Foundation conduct (2016), men no dey gree ask for medical support.

E dey okay if yu“no dey okay”

Wetin psychologists dey do now na to tell men sey e dey okay make yu grieve.  Contrary to wetin society talk sey make d strong, silent male stereotype be, pipu expect make dia men grieve wen belle miscarry. Dat kine loss dey pain die, so yu dey entitled wen yu sef feel sad, lousy and yu dey devastated. At dat moment o, nothing dey alright, not even d world.

Mark Rowland, wen be Director of Communications and Fundraising for Mental Health Foundation-UK talk sey men need to feel sey dem fit share dia feelings and emotions wen dem dey vulnerable. Na d first step wen dey important to fit prevent mental health wahala. Men need to to acknowledge d pain wen dem dey feel, before dem go fit start to heal.

How men fit start to heal? If yu  follow yur wife dey go thru d pain and loss of miscarriage, see some things wen yu fit do:

Acknowledge the loss

One of d important way to heal afta dis kine loss na to acknowledge sey d time fit short o, but d pikin exist. Make yu accept d deep sadness and sense of loss. Na onli for short time yu go fit dey hide d pain . No hide d tears; make yu and yur partna cry togeda if need be. Sometimes na wetin una just need be dat Miscarriage Association – UK, advice for dia guide for Men and Miscarriage wen dem publish.

Husband/wife need to get safe space to take communicate

How a Man Handles a Miscarriage 3

Women sef need to acknowledge sey dia husbands too dey grieve. Tomas (no be him real name), 40, from Quezon City, Philippines, go tru miscarriage and he talk sey he dey mourn d loss of him family hope and dream, wen he feel sey die with d pikin.  Yet he no gree folllow him partna share him feeling as e dey difficult , and he been no wan make he be like sey he dey powerless and vulnerable.  But afta one month don pass wen dem get d miscarriage, he finali tell him wife how over a month after the loss, about d way wen d miscarriage take affect am, e come belike sey heavy load don comot from him chest. D pain no commot immdediateli but him and him wife get unspoken truce to move on from d grief  and move on with dia life. Talking about wetin happen with him wife make plenti difference.

According to De Miscarriage Association, “To talk about am na d most important thing wen una two go fit eva do. E fit make una come to terms with wetin happen and help una make sense of una situation.”

Make yu seek help

E dey veri important make men sef undastand sey dem sef need help especially wen e reach how man dey cope with miscarriage. Miscarriage association talk sey “Once yu see sey yu get need to shut yur emotion down, yu fit get feelings of despair wen yu no expect  and yu go get wahala to cope months afta e happen.” Grief fit find im way commot for yur head and display for way wen yu no go even expect. But how yu go know wetin to do afta? Na wia help and support dey come be dat. E go dey helpful make men see wia oda men get dia own stori wen dem no ghree talk about, wen e reach dia partna miscarriage. D loss fit dey painful, but need dey make men know sey shame no dey wen dem voice out heartbreak and allow oda pipu comfort dem.  Inside news article from  Postpartum Wellness Center, clinical social worker and founder Kate Kripke, write sey, “We need plenti more outreach centre to help men wen dey cope with loss get d correct help wen dem need. Make yu pick d support wen dey okay for yu: family, friends, work colleagues, or health professionals, support organisations, websites and information leaflets, all get wetin dem fit offa yu.

Accept sey yu and yur partna dey different

seek therapy

Pipu get different way wen dem dey take cope with loss. Dis one na normal thing and e no necessarili be bad thing. Rowland talk sey couples still fit undastand and support each oda despite sey dem get dia differences. 

Recognise sey miscarriage fit affect yur relationship

Once yu accept sey miscarriage go affect d way wen yu and yur wife dey take relate before,  yu go fit rebuild una relationship again. Communication na key and e dey veri important, to support each oda na betta way to take make una bond strong again, Kripke talk. True true, hardship fit break any relationship or make man and wife dey close again.

For him facebook post wen don get pass 2 million like, Zuckerberg talk sey: “Plenti pipu no dey gree discuss miscarriage becos yu go dey fear make yur problem no go create distance for una or give yu one kine reflection- as if something dey wrong with yu or e get wetin yu do to cause am. So yu go come dey struggle by yurself.” He still talk sey, wen we talk about issues like dis,” e no dey distance us but e dey bring us close togeda” and e dey “create undastanding and tolerance, and e dey give us hope”. No be plenti pipu dey like to talk about am, but yu fit be d person wen go change am. So e dey good make we undastand how man dey cope with miscarriage and wetin we fit do to help am.

Men fit dey strong for dia wife but make dem no ova look dia own pain. E dey help to speak of love, from wia love dey. Make una dey dia for each oda , make yur partna know sey yu dey him/her side no matter wetin dey happen. Yu go even learn how man dey cope with miscarriage along d way.

Also read: Miscarriage And The 12-Week Rule: Carrying Grief Alone

Republished with permission from theAsianparent

Written by

Anino Aganbi