Perfection is an illusion. It is impossible to always do the right thing or say the right words. Mistakes are bound to be made. However, when your spouse says hurtful things to you, it can be really hard to let go of how they made you feel at that time.
In short, we expect our spouses to be more sensitive in their words. Verbal abuse is often ignored in marriages because unlike physical abuse there is usually no physical evidence of its occurrence. But, the wrong words can be used as a weapon to cause damage. Saying hurtful things to your spouse can cause emotional pain and lead to divorce.
If it doesn't lead to a divorce, it could cause a rift, cold war and make your spouse feel like they are working on eggshells around you.
5 things to do when your spouse says hurtful things to you.
When your spouse says hurtful things to you, it is not an immediate cause for divorce. Earlier, we have established that perfection is an illusion. Therefore, expecting them to always say the right things, the way you want it to be said might not be possible.
Often, we know that our spouse truly loves us and may have just been having a rough time. If you are wondering what to do when your spouse says hurtful things to you, here are five tips:
1. Tell them that you have been hurt
This is not a time to go quiet on your spouse. If they say something hurtful to you, you have to tell them how it made you feel. The truth is that sometimes, they might not have intended to make you feel that way. Also, your partner is not a mind reader. If you do not tell them, it might happen again because they do not realise that their words hurt you.
2. State how it made you feel
Try to be very clear with your words. Telling them that you have been hurt is a good step, the next step is to say how it made you feel. For example, if your spouse snapped at you in public, you could say "I was really hurt by the way you snapped at me in public. It made me feel very disrespected."
3. Give it some time/space if you are angry.
Two wrongs do not make a right. In that time that you have been hurt, if you react immediately, you could equally hurt your spouse and cause more damage. A few hours of silence and deep breaths might calm you down. It would help you talk to your partner in an emotionally intelligent way.
4. Find out why they said that
There are no excuses for using toxic words that chip away at your confidence. However, asking your spouse why that hurtful response was chosen is helpul. You both can also go over kinder ways it could have been said. In addition, you might have an explanation for your own behaviour and understand their perspective.
5. See a counsellor if it is a recurrent behaviour.
You cannot handle everything by yourself. There are therapists or marriage counsellors who have been professionally trained to counsel couples on their communication skills and so on. You can also choose to go a person you both respect or your pastor. However, a professional counselor is equipped with the skills to help you and your spouse.
Is it a call for divorce when your spouse says hurtful things?
Conflicts are very common in marriage. Try to resolve them as much as you can. Also, involve a professional if it seems beyond what you both can handle. Show compassion to your spouse by trying to understand their perspective.
Read also: Successful marriage tips: how to build a long-lasting union
Source: The Huffington Post
